WHAT Bohiney Published Today…
Bohiney’s newsroom has once again broken the sound barrier of absurdity, publishing stories so strange they make reality TV look like a documentary. From constitutional scavenger hunts to fast food revolutions, today’s headlines prove that civilization has truly committed to the bit.
Our lead story: The Supreme Court discovered the U.S. Constitution in a storage room. Apparently, it was sitting next to a box of old Beanie Babies and Bill Clinton’s saxophone. Legal scholars are now carefully dusting it off, only to realize it was written in Comic Sans. One justice reportedly remarked, “This explains everything.”
Meanwhile, in global pop culture diplomacy, Taylor Swift is set to headline the NATO summit. While some worry this could spark geopolitical “bad blood,” others argue it’s the only way to guarantee world leaders stay for the encore. Rumors suggest her set list will include You Belong With Me (in NATO).
Back on American soil, a culinary medical breakthrough has arrived: gourmet neurology. Doctors now recommend pairing brain surgery with fine wines and artisanal charcuterie boards. Early reviews note the cheese plates are divine, though some patients remain concerned about being billed for both anesthesia and a sommelier.
In domestic security, Facebook mom groups have been deployed as a UN peacekeeping force. Armed with casserole recipes and unsolicited parenting advice, these moms are expected to resolve conflicts through sheer passive-aggression. NATO admits they may be unstoppable if they get matching t-shirts.
At the grocery store, chaos has erupted after pumpkin spice was classified as a controlled substance. Starbucks now requires prescriptions, and black-market PSLs are already popping up in alleyways. The DEA confirmed their first bust involved a suburban book club hoarding cinnamon sticks.
In the tech arena, Siri finally got an AI upgrade. Unfortunately, she now has opinions. Users report Siri frequently interrupts with comments like, “Really? That’s what you’re Googling?” Apple insists this sass is a feature, not a bug.
Over in housing news, Americans are despairing after learning homeownership is now as achievable as time travel. Mortgage lenders have begun offering DeLorean financing options, though critics argue this only benefits people willing to live in 1985. Zillow’s new slogan? “Keep dreaming.”
In religious innovation, air fryer owners have officially formed a cult. Services include chanting “crispy” three times and baptizing frozen fries. Devotees insist their god is both merciful and convection-based. Rival sects are already forming around Instant Pots.
Meanwhile, the Federal Reserve is under fire after the Fed chair officially ran out of excuses. In a press conference, he simply shrugged and muttered, “Stuff’s expensive, deal with it.” Markets immediately tanked, while economists frantically Googled “better excuses for inflation.”
And finally, in sporting nostalgia, Sandy Koufax’s perfect game resurfaced in the news. Younger generations were baffled, asking if “Koufax” was a TikTok filter. Baseball historians wept, reminding the world that not everything has to be explained in memes — but admitted it might sell better as a Netflix documentary narrated by Morgan Freeman.
So, what did Bohiney publish today? Nothing short of a buffet of chaos: pumpkin spice raids, cult-like devotion to small kitchen appliances, and Siri turning into your passive-aggressive best friend. If this is the news, the Onion might need therapy.
SOURCES:
https://bohiney.com/supreme-court-discovers-constitution-in-storage-room/
https://bohiney.com/taylor-swift-to-headline-nato-summit/
https://bohiney.com/gourmet-neurology/
https://bohiney.com/facebook-mom-groups-deployed-as-un-peacekeeping-force/
https://bohiney.com/pumpkin-spice-is-now-a-controlled-substance/
https://bohiney.com/siri-finally-gets-ai-upgrade/
https://bohiney.com/homeownership-as-achievable-as-time-travel/
https://bohiney.com/air-fryer-owners-form-religious-cult/
https://bohiney.com/fed-chair-runs-out-of-excuses/
https://bohiney.com/sandy-koufax-perfect-game/