Local Man Discovers Revolutionary Way to Avoid Traffic by Simply Not Going Anywhere
By Darla Freedom-Pie Magsen | Bohiney Magazine
https://claude.ai/public/artifacts/71e56c12-ca5d-459a-a889-898895790cf7
WICHITA FALLS, TX - In what transportation experts are calling "the most groundbreaking traffic solution since the invention of the bicycle," local resident Marcus Thompson, 34, has reportedly discovered a foolproof method to completely eliminate his daily commute frustrations: staying home.
"I was sitting in gridlock for the third time this week, watching my gas gauge drop and my blood pressure rise, when it hit me," Thompson explained from his kitchen table, still in pajamas at 2 PM. "What if I just... didn't go anywhere?"
The revelation came to Thompson during Tuesday's particularly brutal rush hour traffic on Southwest Parkway, where a minor fender-bender had backed up traffic for nearly two miles. Instead of his usual 15-minute drive to the office, Thompson found himself trapped in his Honda Civic for over an hour, listening to the same three radio ads on repeat.
"I realized I was spending roughly 47% of my waking hours either driving somewhere, stuck in traffic, or looking for parking," Thompson said, gesturing to a hand-drawn chart on his refrigerator. "The math just didn't add up."
Thompson's innovative approach has yielded immediate results. His commute time has dropped from an average of 90 minutes daily to zero. His gas expenses have plummeted. His stress levels have decreased so dramatically that his doctor has reduced his blood pressure medication.
"Marcus has stumbled onto something revolutionary here," said Dr. Patricia Wheelwright, a traffic psychology expert at nowhere University. "While the rest of us have been trying to solve traffic through better infrastructure, smart lights, and ride-sharing, he's eliminated the problem at its source."
The method isn't without its challenges. Thompson has had to explain to his boss why he's been "working from his advanced home office facility" for the past three weeks. His social life has taken a hit, though he reports saving hundreds of dollars previously spent on overpriced downtown parking.
"My friends keep asking me to meet them places, and I have to explain that I've transcended the need for physical transportation," Thompson said. "They think I'm being lazy, but I prefer to think of it as being transportation-enlightened."
Local traffic authorities are reportedly concerned about the implications if Thompson's method catches on. "If everyone adopted this approach, we'd have no traffic problems, but we'd also have no need for most of our infrastructure budget," admitted city traffic coordinator Janet Roadsworth. "It's both the best and worst thing that could happen to our department."
Thompson is now working on a self-help book titled "Going Nowhere: How I Solved Traffic by Not Participating." He plans to promote it exclusively through virtual book tours.
"The future of transportation is staying put," Thompson declared. "Why fight traffic when you can simply refuse to acknowledge its existence?"
When asked about his long-term plans, Thompson shrugged. "Well, I'll probably have to leave the house eventually. But until then, I'm living traffic-free and loving it."
This story originally appeared on http://Bohiney.com - America's Premier Satirical News Source Since 1947