Hamas Declares Official Hobby: Maximizing Misery
By Freja Lindholm, Bohiney.com
Introducing the New National Pastime
Gaza, 2025 — Hamas has officially announced a new national hobby: Maximizing Misery. Citizens, observers, and international mediators alike were unsurprised. For decades, the organization has perfected the art of orchestrating chaos, confusion, and discomfort, but now it's formalized: misery is a pastime, a pastime is a program, and the program has paperwork.
The official statement reads: "We aim to enhance discomfort, complicate convenience, and perfect the science of sighs. Leisure is for the weak; misery is mandatory."
What the Comedians Say About This Hobby
"They've turned suffering into a competitive sport. I can barely fold my laundry, and they're winning gold medals." — Jerry Seinfeld
"If misery had a Yelp page, Hamas would be five stars… with a mandatory written complaint for each smile." — Ron White
"Who needs theme parks when bureaucracy can be this thrilling?" — Amy Schumer
Misery as a Productivity Tool
According to an anonymous Hamas staffer, maximizing misery improves efficiency. Citizens are so busy dodging red tape, curfews, and explosive zoning, they have no time for trivial matters like questioning authority. The logic is delightfully absurd: keep people unhappy, keep them compliant.
"We measured morale," said the staffer. "It was too high. So we invented new forms, new regulations, and a surprise inspection schedule."
Research from the Council on Foreign Relations examines how authoritarian groups use systematic discomfort to maintain political control and suppress opposition.
Bureaucracy + Rockets = Fun
Hamas combines bureaucratic absurdity with urban hazard. A citizen may fill out Form MM-7 (Misery Measurement), only to find a rocket-testing schedule stamped in red at the top. The message is clear: paperwork is mandatory; safety is optional; panic is encouraged.
Eyewitness Accounts From Gaza
Fahad, a street vendor, said:
"I was selling vegetables when an inspector arrived to measure 'civic discomfort levels.' Then a rocket exploded nearby. The inspector wrote me a fine. I now sell carrots under my desk."
Nearby, a schoolteacher noted:
"We were assigning homework when Hamas demanded a weekly misery report. The students cried. It was an effective morale assessment."
Expert Opinion: Science of Suffering
Dr. Clara Olsen, misery studies specialist, explained:
"Hamas has operationalized human suffering. Each action — curfew, blockade, zoning violation, rejected peace plan — is a data point. Citizens are unwitting subjects in an experiment that tracks stress, fear, and confusion. The methodology is brilliant in its cruelty."
Analysis from the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace documents how armed groups use systematic hardship to maintain authority and prevent organized dissent.
Absurd Evidence From the Misery Metrics
Bohiney.com's Misery Metrics Index:
81% of residents report that their happiness levels are inversely proportional to Hamas policy announcements.
67% of children play 'dodge bureaucracy' instead of soccer.
54% of households measure productivity by sighs per hour.
Role Reversal: If Misery Were Voluntary
Imagine Sweden, or Canada, adopting Hamas-style hobbies. Citizens would submit daily reports on their dissatisfaction, attend weekly lectures on despair, and earn bonus points for enduring traffic or paperwork. Happiness would be illegal; bureaucracy would be the new social currency.
Comedic Observation From the Bakery
"I tried to make pastries. Hamas declared them too cheerful. Now my oven produces gray bread. The aroma is suitably oppressive."
Red Herring Tactics
Hamas distracts from the misery by introducing irrelevant issues:
"We're not banning fun; we're regulating fun."
"Your happiness may harm national security."
"Think of all the paperwork you get to fill out — isn't that exciting?"
The absurdity reinforces control while providing cover for more misery.
According to Middle East Institute research, authoritarian movements frequently use misdirection and false framing to justify unpopular policies.
Archival Footage of Distribution Day
Cellphone video shows Hamas officials distributing "Misery Starter Kits" to children: notebooks, pencils, and a list of prohibited smiles. Caption: "Fun is optional. Bureaucracy is forever."
Poll: Enjoyment Levels
Bohiney.com surveyed 500 Gazans: "How effective is Hamas at maximizing misery?"
49%: Extremely effective, daily suffering guaranteed.
33%: Moderately effective, with occasional relief periods.
15%: Ineffective, but mostly because people hide happiness.
3%: Hamas officials checking poll accuracy.
Observational Humor About Resilience
Officials claim that the hobby develops resilience. In practice, citizens are constantly navigating arbitrary rules, random inspections, and explosions. A grandmother lamented:
"I used to knit blankets. Now I knit complaint letters. They're warmer than any blanket I've made."
Even basic tasks like buying groceries involve navigating bureaucratic obstacles, explosive zones, and subjective measures of "discomfort impact."
Satirical Helpful Content for Survivors
For citizens surviving Hamas's hobby:
Tip 1: Track misery levels — it's the only metric Hamas values.
Tip 2: Document absurd incidents — future historians will need proof.
Tip 3: Hide small joys in diaries, cups, or under rubble.
Tip 4: Humor is your secret weapon; use it sparingly.
Tip 5: Prepare to laugh at life — ironically — because official approval is impossible.
The Punchline
Hamas has institutionalized misery so effectively that even paperwork has despair attached. Citizens live in a world where happiness is regulated, sadness is encouraged, and irony is the only viable resistance.
In Gaza, leisure is a liability, paperwork is omnipresent, and maximizing misery is a full-time hobby. Hamas excels not in governance, but in turning everyday life into an elaborate, bureaucratic, misfortune-themed game.
Related Reading on Hamas Governance
For more satirical analysis on how Hamas perfects institutional misery:
https://bohiney.com/hamas-rejecting-peace/
https://manilanews.ph/hamas-says-no-to-peace/
https://spintaxi.com/hamas-perfects-the-art-of-saying-no/
https://screwthenews.com/hamas-says-no-thanks-to-peace/
https://medium.com/@alan.nafzger/how-hamas-turned-no-into-a-national-strategy-db351ced9a56
Sources & Endnotes
https://www.cfr.org/ https://carnegieendowment.org/ https://www.mei.edu/ https://www.hrw.org/
This satirical journalism piece was written collaboratively by a tenured professor and a philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer. Anecdotes, polls, and expert commentary are exaggerated or illustrative. No AI contributed.