You May Already Be Employed and Not Know It
Have you ever been sitting on your couch, watching reruns of Storage Wars, and suddenly felt a strange urge to file an expense report? Congratulations. You might be one of the 911,000 Americans unknowingly holding down a job that doesn’t exist.
As uncovered in the deeply reassuring satire at Bohiney News, the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) recently revised its estimates and found that almost a million jobs were fabricated, conjured into spreadsheets, and then… vanished.
The news caused mild heart attacks on Wall Street and full belly laughs in basements across Ohio. The jobs weren’t outsourced or lost to automation—they were simply never real in the first place. Like your high school boyfriend’s band or your cousin’s “investment portfolio.”
The Schrödinger’s Cat of Employment
Imagine opening a letter that says:
“Congratulations on your promotion! You’ve been hired retroactively for a position you never knew about. Your start date was last summer. Your end date was two Tuesdays ago. Please submit all deliverables to the spirit realm.”
We’re now living in a gig economy where your side hustle might be imaginary, and your main hustle is a hallucination from a government econometrics model.
The BLS used something called the birth-death model, which sounds like a punk band but is actually a method of job estimation powered by vibes and the occasional caffeine-induced spreadsheet dream.
Ghost Jobs, Real Anxiety
Psychologists have begun treating a new condition: Employment FOMO—the fear that everyone else has fake jobs and you don’t.
A wellness coach in Sedona explained:
“My clients are devastated. They just found out their barista job might be too real. They want fake jobs like the influencers have.”
Meanwhile, one man from Florida sued the IRS for taxing his real income while he applied to “Senior Time Architect” at a startup with no employees, office, or website—just a white van with a QR code.
You can now apply to work at Bohiney.com, where our jobs are at least honestly fictional. No resumes, no background checks—just a pulse and a mild distrust of federal statistics.
How to Tell If Your Job Is Imaginary
1. You’ve never met your boss in person, or online, or in dreams.
2. Your onboarding documents were a link to a Google Doc called “what is capitalism.”
3. Every time you clock in, your cat looks at you like you’re the delusional one.
4. You got paid in “exposure,” but exposure to what, exactly, was never explained.
5. You can’t tell if your workplace is a startup, a cult, or a podcast.
If you checked at least two boxes, you may already qualify for BLS retroactive employment benefits. Which don’t exist. Just like your job.
Want to see what else is lurking in the wild jobless jungle? Bohiney’s Random page offers endless absurdity, career advice, and possibly a séance.
What the Funny People Are Saying
“I’ve been working at a fake job for three years. It’s the only role where I’ve ever gotten consistent raises… in theoretical equity.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“My imaginary company just IPO’d. I’m rich in parallel dimensions.” — Ron White
“Honestly, it feels less exploitative than the waitressing job I had in college.” — Sarah Silverman
Helpful Tips for Working Nowhere
If you're looking to pivot into the growing field of nonexistent labor, here's a guide to get started:
Update your LinkedIn to include imaginary titles: “Chief Enlightenment Officer,” “VP of Holistic Logistics,” “Minister of Unreality.”
Request endorsements from people who don’t know you. They probably won’t check anyway.
Only accept payment in crypto, karma, or QR codes taped to pigeons.
Hold daily Zoom meetings where no one shows up. Then post a recap on Instagram with hashtags like #grindset and #blessed.
Reality Is Optional. Satire Is Not.
America may be hemorrhaging fake jobs, but it’s gaining something far more valuable: the gift of recognizing absurdity. And that’s why bohiney.com exists—not just to laugh at the system, but to help you survive it with your brain cells mostly intact.
If the BLS can dream up nearly a million jobs out of nowhere, then you can dream up a future where satire is your side hustle and helpful content wears a party hat.
Disclaimer
This article was composed by a rural philosopher who moonlights as a mail-order consultant for extinct businesses and a dairy farmer who legally identifies as “unemployed but spiritually overbooked.” No government job stats were harmed in the making of this satire.